What stability looks like on me

When we are unwell we can forget who we are when we are well and stable in our mental health. I have wrote this post to remind myself who I am as a person without mental illness. We are not defined by our struggles, even though they often make us more resilient people. My illness changes me every episode. I am not me even though I have to take full responsibility for my actions and behaviour during them. When I am depressed I become so withdrawn and irritable, often with the people I love. I become self destructive and desperate. When I am manic I am impulsive, reckless, quick-tempered and delusional. Either extreme is nothing like I am when I am well. I like a laugh but I am quite a serious person and I am very resourceful.  I wrote a sorta list poem about who I am and what me and others have said are my qualities.

When I am stable I am:

A total klutz

Awkward and sometimes random

Enthusiastic

Compassionate, but sometimes cares too much

Sensitive and sensible but still fun loving

Strong even when my voice shakes

Trustworthy and loyal

Reliable

Creative with my crappy poems

Thoughtful

Hardworking, curious and motivated

Impatient

Logical

Loving and supportive

Kind and truthful

Empathic

Perfectionist

Determined when I have a goal

A practical idealist

Messy yet organised

Maybe write a list or a poem or even some artwork, symbolising you when you are well. It is difficult but we must learn who we are away from this illness so we can recover and hopefully go back to that or even improve. I am lucky that I have periods of stability between episodes to remind myself who I am, but I still lose touch of who I am from time to time. Just because I was a certain way for months on end during an episode does not mean that is what I am like always. Remember whatever your qualities are, you are an awesome person deserving of peace and happiness. What you are struggling with doesn’t make you a bad person.

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